


Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

by sohapppily



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, High School, Underage Drinking, dennis is a bastard man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 14:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10993275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohapppily/pseuds/sohapppily
Summary: A drunken teenage game of truth or dare gone awry.





	Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

It was 1:30AM, on a Saturday, in Dennis and Dee's living room. Frank and Barbara were out of town – separately, Dee figured, judging by the fact that they had taken two taxis to the airport at different times. The "huge party" Dennis invited "all his minions" to had, unsurprisingly, ended up just the four of them sitting around the Reynolds coffee table, listening to Bowie and passing a bottle of Frank's expensive whiskey between them.

"Okay, my turn," Dennis said, sitting down on the couch next to Dee. "Mac, truth or dare?"

"Um." Mac hesitated. Dennis was not someone you wanted to dare you, especially after Dee had just made him cut his palm with a pocket knife; something he'd done without so much as blinking. "Truth?"

"Truth," Dennis repeated slowly, drawing out the vowel sound as he leaned back and eyed the two boys sitting on the other couch. "Truth truth truth."

Dee sighed and looked pointedly at her very wasted brother, hoping it would hurry him up.

"Okay, Mac. Who's the last girl you fucked?" Dennis asked with a wicked grin. Before Mac could say anything, Dennis continued. "Oh, wait. That's right. Mac here hasn't fucked anyone!”

Dennis paused as if he was waiting for someone to laugh. No one did, but that didn't deter him. "Let's make this a little easier for you while you're under oath, since you otherwise refuse to talk about this. Who's the last girl you kissed?"

"I, uh..." Mac stuttered.

"Tell us," Dennis nearly purred, leaning forward to lock eyes with Mac. "We're your best friends, baby."

"I..." Mac looked at the ground. "I haven't…"

Dennis stopped cold. “I’m sorry, did you just say you _haven’t_?”

Mac opened and closed his mouth a few times before conveying his loss for words with a weak shrug.

"Are you _fucking_ kidding me, Ronnie?!" Dennis yelled, and the sudden increase in volume made everyone else flinch. His peal of laughter drowned out Mac's compulsory plea not to call him that. “Even goddamn _Dirtgrub_ has kissed a girl and you're gonna tell us that _you_ haven't?”

“Dude, Stacy Corvelli kissed _me_!" Charlie insisted. "And it was _gross_."

"Shut the fuck up," Dennis snapped, whipping his head around to shoot Charlie a harsh glare. Charlie immediately looked down at his feet.

"I just..." Mac started, his face burning red. "I've never met a girl I liked enough to kiss. All the girls around here are gross."

Dee rolled her eyes at the obvious dig but said nothing. It's not like she wanted to kiss Mac anyway.

"You don't have to like a girl to kiss her, Ronnie," Dennis said, still using the nickname Mac hated.

"Well then what am I supposed to do, dude? Walk up to some chick, grab her and just...? There aren't really any girls that like me either!"

Dennis snorted and swiped the bottle out of Dee's hand. A line whiskey dribbled over his chin and slid down his neck as he drank, and Dee wrinkled her nose in mild disgust watching the collar of his shirt darken as it absorbed the liquor.

"Well maybe," Dennis drawled, slamming the bottle on the table between them. "If you and Dirtgrub didn't huff glue in his basement all day, girls might not think you're gross."

Mac frowned. "Girls think I'm gross?"

"Everyone thinks you're gross, _Ronald_ ," Dennis nearly hissed.

Mac mumbled a quiet "oh" and Dennis laughed again, that ugly, loud cackle that was full of mocking cruelty.

He was being mean tonight. Dee hated when he got like this. Sure, he was always mean, but it was usually light-hearted and fun to spar with. Sometimes, she had unfortunately learned over the years, when he got too wasted, he went too far. She'd been on the receiving end of Dennis's drunken, unprovoked emotional battery more than once, usually late at night when they both got home from a party and kept drinking their parents' booze in one of their bedrooms. It always seemed to end in crying herself to sleep and waking up the next morning with cruel sentiments still swimming around her subconscious. As she stared at Mac, red-faced and trying to hide that he was on the brink of tears, she knew exactly how he felt.

"I mean, you're what, 16?" Dennis asked. "And you haven't even kissed anyone? What kind of freak goes that long without kissing anyone?"

Mac just shrugged again, not bothering to defend himself, clearly shutting down while Dennis continued to mercilessly berate him.

Dee couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't listen to any more pointless torment from her douchebag brother, even when it wasn't directed at her. Dennis was the loser tonight, not Mac. He'd spent all week boasting about how “legendary" this night would be. “Party of the motherfucking year,” he’d insisted over and over. He'd swiped a few crisp bills from Frank's safe and had somehow cajoled Dee and Charlie into going out and buying a shitload of snacks while he and Mac found someone to bribe into buying them a keg. Instead of just admitting that all of his popular “friends” didn’t actually like him, he was taking his embarrassment and rage out on the only people in this city who cared about him. It was fucking bullshit.

She downed another swig of booze, took a deep breath and stood up. Dennis didn't stop talking as Dee walked over to Mac. She didn't think he even noticed, self-centered bastard that he was. She steeled herself, leaned down, pouted Mac's cheeks with one hand and kissed him right on the lips.

It was... _horrible_.

Horrible was an understatement, actually. Mac's patchy teenage stubble scratched at her fingers and his dry, chapped lips barely moved. Their noses smashed together and she could feel his teeth pressing hard against the inside of his mouth. After a few moments, he made a muffled sound of protest and disgust, which she ignored.

Mac was, without a doubt, the worst kiss of her life. Which was saying a lot, since she'd once kissed that shit-breath stalker Matty Mara so he'd write two essays for her on the last day of summer break. But it was enough.

She pulled away and dropped her hand from Mac's face, then walked back to the spot next to her twin in complete silence, grabbing the bottle from Charlie along the way. Once she sat down, she saw that Mac's face had turned from red to green and Dennis had never looked more horrified. _Good_ , she thought.

“There, dickhole," she said, then finished off the last of their liquor to draw out the stunned silence and – hopefully – wash away the memory of what she'd just done. "Now Ronnie's kissed a girl. Can we fucking talk about something else?"

"Literally anything else," Charlie quickly agreed. "Like... Oh! So, earlier today, me and Mac were in that alley behind the Wawa by Ricky Falcone's house, you know? And we found this shopping cart that was full of empty shoeboxes. Like, a thousand shoeboxes probably. It was nuts."

Dee looked over at Mac while Charlie continued babbling to change the subject. Their eyes met and he gave her a small smile, then turned immediately to Charlie and joined in on their story.

Dee smiled too.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know either, you guys.


End file.
